


Jump

by EvillyFriendly



Category: Final Fantasy XIV
Genre: Ala Mhigan, Miqo'te (Final Fantasy XIV), Other, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Seeker of the Sun Miqo'te (Final Fantasy XIV), Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Swearing, mild racism mention, murder mention, rape mention
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-15
Updated: 2020-10-15
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:41:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,958
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27033613
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EvillyFriendly/pseuds/EvillyFriendly
Summary: D'jahv is...was a son of Ala Mhigo. And ever since the Empire had invaded his home, his life has never known peace.





	Jump

**Author's Note:**

> Please, please, PLEASE be mindful of the tags on this fic. Big SUICIDE WARNING on this. Though I reassure you the character does not die in the end (the fic is more focused on his thoughts) it could still be triggering to some readers. So if you are uncomfortable with suicide or triggered by it I would ask you to please read something else.  
> This is a response to a challenge from somewhere to write about a darker topic. And in no way reflects my own mental state. And is purely meant for me to work on the development of this character.

He had decided to take his life tonight.

He was drunk.

He liked being drunk. Helped numb the pain. Better than faking a smile and shoving all the ugly feelings down. Better than pretending everything was okay. Because things weren’t! No, D’jahv was far from okay.

It was one of those days where he hated himself. And the weather certainly didn’t help. Storm clouds black as ink hovered in the sky. Fat drops of rain pelted him as he sauntered down the street. He would have been shivering had it not been for his bosom companion in his hand. 

The refreshing bottle of whiskey gave his body a nice warmth that helped keep the cold at bay. And at most he felt a tingling in his fingertips and on the tip of his tail. Maybe he’d have a cold to regret later. But he didn’t care. He wasn’t even sure if there would be a later for him.

Another swig was taken from the bottle as he stumbled down the street. His chest burned with the heavy gulps. Made him dizzy. The good kind of dizzy. 

The streets of Limsa Lominsa were deserted. With the dreary weather he supposed no one sane would be out at this late hour. At least he thought it was late. He really didn’t know what time it was. He never really did after he started drinking.

Thunder rumbled above, Rhalgr mocked him. Lightning flashed across the sky, the god was laughing at him. He knew it. Casting more rain down upon his misery.

_ Bloody fuck the Destroyer.  _

What has the god ever done for him but cause him more pain and misery? How many times have his prayers gone unanswered? Or when answered he was only given curses instead of blessings?

D’jahv took another swig from his drink and held his middle finger up to the storm-struck sky. A childish titter slipped from him. And he continued his journey down the street. 

He came to one of the bridge walkways in the city. Those nice wood ones that hung high in the upper decks. That had a pretty sight of the horizon meeting the sea. Of course, the view now was rather heinous. 

Pausing at the railing, D’jahv stared down into the churning waters below. It was mesmerizing watching the waves rise and fall. Like greedy hands reaching up for him. Beckoning for him to join them.

Here.

Yes here will be where he would end it.

It would be quick. The fall would knock him unconscious. The waves would dash him against the rocks. And he would be pulled out to sea, left to drift forgotten on the current.

_ I have nothing left. _

He thought as he stood up on the railing. Wobbly as his Miqo’te balance was useless with his inebriation. 

“You know that, you old bastard?!” He shouted to the thundering sky. “I have  _ nothing! _ ” He hissed, shaking his bottle angrily at the sky. “Because  _ they  _ fucking took it all from me!”

The empire…

Monsters the lot of them. Took everything from him. Beat him down when he was a mere child, killed his father right before his eyes. Tore his screaming mother away from him to do...to do terrible things.

And he was taken to be one of their soldiers. Worked him until he could barely stand. Jammed boots into his ribs whenever he disobeyed. Treated him no better than a dog. 

Those years training as one of their conscripts were some of the most awful things he went through. He hated it. Hated himself. Forced to harass and hurt innocent people. It was disgusting. And many times he had thought about killing himself then. Stealing an officer’s gun and blowing his brains out then.

But he had been a coward instead.

And the first chance he got he ran. Ran away and left all his friends and family behind to suffer. Oh what disgusting coward he was. Refusing to stay and help them fight back against their oppressors. Running instead of bleeding for his country. Instead avenging his family.

What a coward! What a disgrace! Twelve, he should have slit his throat the moment he made it to Ul’dah. It would have been what he deserved. Abandoning kith and kin just for a taste of Ul’dah’s rumored success. 

Perhaps that’s why Rhalgr saw fit to see him suffer for his selfishness. For he was treated no better here in Ul’dah. He was nothing more than a savage and a brute. Filth that was to be beaten and spat on. And left to die in a puddle of his own blood under the scorching Thanalan sun.

It was his fate to suffer, he eventually realized. To suffer until it drove him mad. Those brief moments of happiness always were ripped from him. A nice moment with friends ruined because he said something stupid or got into a fight with someone. Finally having enough money saved up for new clothing only to have it snatched from him when a Brass Blade accused him of stealing and left him with a broken nose.

Nay, he deserved no happiness. But that didn’t mean he’d allow himself to be the gods’ play thing as they threw curse after curse at him. No he bloody wouldn’t. He would end this cycle of suffering here. If death would offer him succor then so be it!

_ But what will your friends think? _

The thought came to him unbidden.

A pained laugh slipped from him.

They wouldn’t care. 

Oh how they pretended though. Smiling for him while trying so hard not to sneer in disgust. It was all a game of pretend. All a bunch of bloody lies!

They never liked him. He knew when he wasn’t around they spent those times talking about him. Hiss hatred and cursing the day they ever met him.

_ “Stupid D’jahv, always getting drunk and getting into fights.” _

_ “Annoying D’jahv, always coming to bother us with his problems.” _

_ “Ugly D’jahv, always thinking we can actually stand being around him.” _

_ “What an idiot! What a fool! I wish he’d shut up! I wish he’d leave us alone!” _

_ “When will he realize that none of us like him! When will he realize that we don’t care about him!” _

_ “I wish he’d disappear. I wish he’d hurry up and die!” _

“I’m not wanted anywhere…” He breathed out, now trembling.

He brought his bottle to his lips only to find it empty. And he stared dumbly at it before allowing it to slip from his fingers. Watching as the waves below hungrily swallowed it.

They called for him too. He could hear them. Singing his dirge, offering him his peace. It was the fate he deserved. A nameless body eaten away by the ocean.

Unmissed by anyone.

His face was wet. Was he crying or was that the rain?

Thunder rumbled above, loud and instructive. Rhalgr was mocking him again. Laughing at his hesitation now.

Why wouldn’t he go ahead and do it? Why wouldn’t he jump? What a coward. What a fool.

_ Why are you shaking, D’jahv?  _ He heard Rhalgr’s booming voice in his head. Echoing in his mind like his own thoughts. 

“I’m cold.”

Rhalgr laughed cruelly.  _ No you’re not. It is because you are scared. Too scared to make the right decision for once in your pitiful life. Jump. Jump and rid the world of a disgusting mistake! Die and ease the star of your burden! You said it yourself! You have nothing to keep you here! _

He trembled harder, his nails dug painfully into his palms. He swayed unsteadily as he looked at the churning waters. The whiskey in his belly suddenly protesting. 

“Is this what you want then?” He whispered. “Is this what you want you bastard!” He then screamed to the darkened heavens.

Thunder clapped back as if in challenge. A bolt of levin struck the sea before him, yalms away. 

“Strike me down yourself then you shite-eating fucker!”

Again thunder rumbled in response. This time more distant. 

He was panting and his chest ached. His heart was racing a thousand malms. “Kill me! Let me die! I can’t take this anymore!” He shouted. “ _ Please! _ ”

And now he knew for sure he was crying when a terrible sob shook through his chest. 

“I…” He choked out, his sobs strangling his words. “I don’t want to do this anymore! I don’t want to suffer anymore! I’m not strong enough to take it!” He gasped.

His body trembled with despair and cold.He choked and coughed on his sobs. Never before had he cried so hard before—cried so ugly. Not since he had watched the light fade from his father’s eyes. His stomach burned and he suddenly felt sick, the whiskey in his belly threatened to make a reappearance. 

His sobbing made his balance even worse, the rain slick railing did not help much either. Several times he came close to accidentally falling over the edge. And looking down at the black waters below, a part of D’jahv’s mind felt afraid of them.

The waves were no longer singing sweetly for him. But shouting and angrily screaming his name. They sounded like the people he left behind in Ala Mhigo. Like his friends. Telling him to jump. Telling him to die.

Levin flashed somewhere nearby, striking a flag pole above him. Thunder roared in his ears. 

_ Do D’jahv. You have nothing. And you are nothing more than an empty husk taking up space and poisoning everyone else’s air.  _ Rhalgr growled in his head.

The Destroyer was right. Isn’t that what he had come out here to do in the first place? Die so no one else would have to deal with him? And here he was having second thoughts…

_ Like a coward. _

He stood there stupidly, swaying back and forth on the railing. Feeling sick and light-headed. Rhalgr was right...he was a coward. Longing to die but not having the guts to actually do it.

“If you want me dead,” He cried out again, “then do it yourself!”

And thunder rumbled in reprimand. 

His chest ached and he was beginning to feel hoarse. “It’s what we both want, isn’t it?” The Destroyer had clearly driven him to this point. But he would not be the god’s puppet and plaything anymore. If He wanted to punish D’jahv, if He wanted to erase His mistake… “Strike me down yourself!”

Almost immediately, one of his feet slipped on the wet railing. And miraculously despite being drunk off his arse, the Seeker managed to catch himself. He looked at the waves below hungrily leaping up at him. And slowly he stood back up again.

He laughed madly. “You’ll have to do better than that!” He screamed at the black sky. Rain drops stinging his eyes. “Kill me! KILL ME!”

Again and again he taunted the sky, tempted the Destroyer. Sounding more and more pitiful with each demand. And somewhere at the back of his mind, D’jahv was aware that it probably sounded like he was begging. 

Perhaps he was…

A tired soul who had too much taken from him. Who had suffered for too long. And now had nothing to find joy in. Why bother? The empire or the gods would just take it from him again.

“Do it!” He shouted. “Do it!” He sobbed.

The sky remained silent. Rhalgr did not speak into his mind again. Probably thinking it more fun to make him suffer like this. 

Then thunder rumbled above like a growl of warning…

And the last thing he heard was Rhalgr roaring in his ears. 

The last thing he saw was a brilliant flash of light. 

The last thing he felt was the feeling of himself falling...

**Author's Note:**

> He's alive I swear he is! Don't worry!


End file.
